Better conversations foster better relationships. It is hard to connect with a person if you are not willing to listen, or maybe struggle finding the right way to listen. I want to share the do's and do not's of effective listening. This article is jam-packed with useful information on how to increase your listening skills. When we work on the little conversations, we can build this into a better foundation which will in turn create more meaningful relationships in our lives.
1. Turn down the background noise
An effective way to improve your listening skills is to avoid multitasking when someone is telling you a story or a problem. That means putting down the phone, stop making a mental grocery list, and try not to get distracted with your surroundings. Eye contact and body language are ways to really improve your ability to focus on the person. Verbal signs that you are engaged in the conversation can come in form of restating (i.e. It sounds like you are having trouble with a co-worker at work), summarizing (i.e So if I understand correctly, that co-worker has been talking down to you, which is why you are having trouble with them), and providing small encouragers ("uh-huh", "yes", "ok" etc.).
2. Don't focus on your response
This is a big mistake that is made when having a two-way conversation. You can get trapped in not hearing what is being said to you because you are already thinking of how you want to respond to the first part of what you heard. Not only can this be disrespectful and rude to interrupt a person while they are speaking, but you may miss a key point of the story because you have already tuned out the rest of what they are saying by focusing on your response!
By restating, summarizing and providing small encouragers, you will build a better understanding of what your loved one is telling you and will better engage in the conversation. One of the biggest mistakes is thinking the person you are talking to needs advice or quick responses. Saying things like, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that" or even asking "Well, why are you having trouble with your co-worker?" can shut a person down to opening up to you. Try to avoid minimizing a person's situation and asking "Why" questions. Instead, use tools such as reflection, labeling emotions, and giving thoughtful feedback.
Reflecting and labeling emotions are similar to restating, but instead of using the other person's words, you formulate your own idea of their story and the importance of the story to its owner.
Example of Reflection: This topic seems very important to you...
Example of Labeling Emotions: I sense you are feeling frustrated and disrespected by your co-worker
The difference between thoughtful feedback and quick feedback is this: thoughtful feedback comes from a place of empathy and understanding. You yourself may have been in a similar situation, or have dealt with the same problem. If this is the case, it is perfectly fine to share your story, but focus on the outcome of the story or a solution to help your friend's issue. It may look something like this:
I had a similar situation last year with one of my co-workers who would send disrespectful emails to me. I ended up asking that co-worker to sit down and talk with me. When I told them I did not appreciate the tone and the nature of the emails that were being sent, they apologized. However, when the emails continued, I did end up having to get HR involved to help resolve the problem.
Providing feedback is not about making the story about you, it is about helping the other person cope, or find a solution to their current problem. Once you understand the difference, thoughtful feedback is a powerful tool to becoming an effective listener.
3. Ask questions
Once you have mastered steps 1 and 2, you may find yourself trying to deepen your engagement in the conversation. This is especially true if you are struggling with providing thoughtful feedback. Sometimes, you may not relate to a situation a friend or family member may be going through. If this is the case, your best bet is to ask questions. You want to gravitate toward questions that begin with "Who, What, Where and When" again, stay away from the "Why" questions, as this can shut a person off to wanting to tell you their story. There are 4 ways to classify a question. They are as follows:
Leading Questions
Open-Ended Questions
Closed-Ended Questions
Reflective Questions
Leading Questions help a person open up to talking about their topic. You can use phrases such as: "Could you tell me more?" "What happened after that?"
Open-Ended Questions allow the person to fill in the blanks. Open ended questions begin with the 4 W's (who, what, where and when) **do not include 'why'!
Closed-Ended Questions are more about the specifics of the topic. These questions typically begin with "Could? Would? Should? Is? Are?"
Reflective Questions are similar to reflection statements, just with a questioning tone. The difference is the inflection and tone of the sentence. It is the difference between: "It sounds like your co-worker has been talking down to you." versus "It sound like your co-worker has been talking down to you?" This allows your friend to confirm your statement, and open up to more meaningful conversation.
3. Initiate the conversation
Initiating the conversation may be a way to get a friend or a family member to open up about a problem, or even promotion in their lives. This is called probing. If you sense your loved one has been in a certain mood that appears different than their "usual", prompt them to share! Initiation is typically by commenting on their mood with an observation such as, "I sense you have been more [insert emotion here] lately." So whether your loved one is happy/sad/anxious/stressed, by validating that you have noticed a change, may help them open up to telling you the why of this change.
Be careful though. It is ok to probe initially, but when you start digging for information, you may shut out your loved one completely. If after the first question, they are not ready to share their why, then understand this, and know that they may not be ready to talk just yet. You can follow up with this by letting your loved one know you are always there for them if they ever want to talk.
4. Show you care
Showing you care includes the first three steps in this article, in addition to validation. Validation should be focused on validating emotions not validating events of the story. You may not agree with the way your friend handled a situation, so if your friend tells you that they started disrespecting the co-worker that was initially disrespecting them, validation is not: "You were right to do that"
Validation is: "Disrespect is unacceptable, so I can understand why you are upset about your co-worker"
Keep in mind that validation is not synonymous with agreeing. You may disagree with the way a situation was handled, but if it does not involve you, and your friend is not asking for advice, then understand you do not have to fix their problem for them.
Keep in mind that if your friend or family member is opening up to you about a topic, it is because they trust you with that information. Implementing these four guidelines can improve your understanding of your friend or family member to build a better relationship together. Do not get so caught up in feeling like you need to always say the right thing at the right time. Working on your communication skills takes time. Try working on some of these tips with a spouse, friend, or sibling that you are comfortable with talking to already. This will challenge you to perfect your ability to listen and converse, and will make it easier when you are having a conversation with a person you may not be as comfortable around.
Comments